Lonely

everyday...
i'm taking baby steps,
regaining my strength

Tears...
they always dry up
baby boy's finally wising up

If...
you wanted to be here,
you'd be here

No...
and's
if's
or but's

There's...
no love
no trust
no us

There's...
no unity
no u and me

Only...
what we used to be
it's only me

Now...
it's just....
LONELY

it's been a while

so, i've been going through a lot and i guess i needed to do what i do best (write) to get it out of my system. as a lot of you know, i just found out some unpleasant things about my ex. things that have had me crying, throwing up, having panic attacks, losing my mind and so on. i think cheating is such a hard concept for me to grasp because i don't believe in it at all. it seems no matter how much i give of myself, i always get left with less than nothing. for those who know me, like really know me, know that i give my all to everyone important to me. be it a gift, a hug, kind words, whatever the situation calls for, i'm there for those that i love and/or care about. i joke and i'm very sarcastic, it may even seem like i take nothing seriously sometimes but the truth of the matter is that underneath all of it, i do care. when i start dating someone, i don't do it for fun or to kill time, i do it to build a future. i understand that no relationship is perfect but i'm willing to go that extra mile to make it work. i don't understand how every time i enter into a new relationship i am able to give my all after everything that i've been through. i've been cheated on by every one that i've ever been in a relationship with and even by everyone that i've been exclusively dating. at any rate, my last relationship was actually a decent relationship. he was sweet, considerate, caring and basically possessed every good trait one would want their significant other to possess. my guard was up at first but i let it down too soon. we basically went from having no problems to him breaking up with me with no explanation. i, like anyone else, questioned myself and kept thinking i had to have some major flaw that pushes guys away. i seriously went over the situation over and over and over again in my mind until he finally told me why....he cheated. he claims he was overwhelmed with guilt and took the cowards way out. i do give him some credit for being somewhat honest but he didn't elaborate. when one has questions that are unanswered, they can either let it consume them or search for the answers, which is what i did. i will admit that i used facebook for reasons that it was not intended for but i had no choice. i found out more than i wanted or needed to know. finding these answers is what made me go crazy for a minute. the things that he lied about had me astounded. the person that he had calling his phone at 5:46 am AKA ho hours, had me speechless. the fact that he could spend a night with him and then come to my house the next night is beyond disrespectful. what's even more disrespectful is that he returned the dudes call at 10:45 am, while i was downstairs making him a holiday dinner. i gave up a holiday with family and lied to them because i cared about him so much that i couldn't stand the thought of him spending thanksgiving alone ordering pizza. anyone who knows me knows i throw down in the kitchen and i didn't disappoint on that holiday. i spent my effort, energy, money, etc just to make sure he had a decent holiday and none of that was taken into consideration when he was going hours out of his way to see some guy who looks like a science experiment gone wrong. it may be the past but it's news to me and it hurts like hell. this is the behavior of the guy who woke up in the morning, the first night he spent the night and looked at me and said "i can see myself loving you". this is the behavior of the guy who made me listen to "somebody up there" by amerie and said "baby, this song describes how i feel about you". this is the behavior of the guy who used to flood my inbox on myspace with love song lyrics damn near everyday. it makes no sense to me at all. i'm still dumbfounded by all of this. i still go over it in my head all of the time and it never makes sense. as much as it hurts, i have to remind myself that i at least treated him with respect. i made sure to do a thousand little things just to let him know that he was important to me. i encouraged him and believed in him when he didn't believe in himself. i am far from perfect but i know for sure i would have never intentionally hurt him or hurt him to the degree he did me. i opened my heart to him, i gave him all i could unconditionally and i never even thought about nor did i look at other guys. in my mind, i had what i wanted. cute guys are a dime a dozen but i had something better than just a cute face, i had someone that i thought i could build a future with. i had this amazing guy with depth...so i thought. i keep wondering how much of it was real? i mean, the signs should have been there. he is super secretive to the point that he can't be found on social networking sites because of the privacy settings, he only introduced me to female friends, he downplayed me at the club in front of his male "friends" and let go of my hand when we walked past his alleged "friends". he fed me a lame excuse and i chose to believe it. as upset as i get over it, i have to remind myself that i was not in the wrong. i'm not ugly, sure there are cuter guys than me out there but i'm at least attractive as well. i have made a lot of money off of my looks. i am not stupid and finished college despite all of the tribulations that i've been through. i am a nurturing, caring person. i can cook. i can hold a conversation. i am understanding. i treat everyone with respect. i constantly go out of my way to make people smile. i work with various charities because i love helping people. i am on the brink of starting my greeting card line, getting my modeling career to new heights and still pushing through all of the bullshit to publish my writing. i am not conceited but i at least know that i am more of a catch than most people realize. ever since he got caught up in everything he refuses to talk to me. he blocked my number, emails, ims, etc. i guess he's too embarrassed or he just doesn't care. all i can do at this point is keep on keeping on. i have to believe in all of my heart that the temporary happiness he is pursuing doesn't measure up in the least to the unconditional love that i could've given him. it's out of my hands and whatever happens from here on out is karma. i have no say in the matter anymore. i'm sure i will still have random moments of crying and feeling hurt still but the time will heal that. i have the truth on my side and that is all i need. all i can do is forgive, wish him the best and live my life. maybe one day we'll speak again, maybe not. like i said, it's out of my hands. i'm content with going on with my life and leaving it all in Gods hands.

on a side note i want to thank everyone for their encouraging words and support. i needed it.

tawni- you were the first person i talked to about it and i appreciate you listening and giving me good advice. it may seem minor but it meant a lot to me. i truly am grateful. you really helped me put things into perspective and i was able to laugh and joke my way through some tears. i can't thank you enough for being the amazing person that you are.

i also have to thank my twin (she knows who she is) for the early am chat session. you gave me solid advice and helped me clear my mind. i am forever thankful. you are a blessing. i heart you.

there are a lot of others and i thank you all as well... you all mean a lot to me and i appreciate each and everyone of you. thanks for taking time to read this. i will be posting some new poetry soon along with some other things about my future endeavors. much love to you all. xoxo

Anytime...

We didn't read all of the pages before turning,
we never crossed the bridges we're now burning.
I can lie and say that I'm over you,
only I pride myself on my truths.

That song still makes me shed a tear,
it's so cold and you're not here,
it's lonely and you're not near,
losing you was my biggest fear.

I think back to when i pursued you,
I still catch myself planning our future.
I can't admit that I've been defeated,
I won't admit it until my heart stops beating.

Our story's ending happened too fast,
our happily ever after was supposed to last,
I'm in the present but still in the past,
waiting for this storm to pass.

If you ever decide to rewrite your life,
I'll be more than happy to press rewind,
we can reclaim what's yours and what's mine,
my arms are open wide for you anytime....

Simple Times...

Like a young child chasing fire flies,
the aroma of homemade apple pie,
watching re-runs of Good Times,
when fun cost nickles and dimes,
coming home with the street lights,
you remind me of those simple times.

Being with you isn't about the superficial,
it's more simplistic and realistic,
the way you embody the makings of a real human being,
you soothe my soul and set my mind at ease,
like a timeless classic by The Supremes,
you bring to mind the simple times.

You keep me in a continuous daze,
I soak you up like the sun rays,
captivated like you're a nintendo game,
it's like when TLC weren't too proud to beg,
or when Lucy ruled Nick at Nite,
you rewind me to the simple times.

You make me think of purple rain,
or the days when mamas kiss erased the pain,
and saturday nights watching soul train,
when monica sang "just one of dem days",
that innocence is still seen looking in your eyes,
you bring to life the simple times.

Love Song....

Our fingertips explore each others bodies...

Sade plays softly in the background...

Fore this is merely a prelude to the love song we will make...

Soft and fast, slow and rough...

You make my body speak with just your touch...

Our bodies intertwined as day turns to night...

I'm looking into your eyes and I've never been so thankful for my sight...


I want you...

Not just a piece, I want you all...

Mind, heart, spirit, body and soul

I want tonight to repeat itself...

Like a timeless Love Song...

beauty on a budget

i thought a fun part of this blog would be to share little beauty tips and home remedies. all of the things i suggest, i have tried and liked. i've used drug store products, only seen on tv products, high end products and more but in order to get the skin i have, i prefer to take the home remedy approach. if you notice on my picture, my skin is smooth, flawless and blemish free. not to brag but i do a lot to keep my skin picture perfect and i want to share my tips with you guys. here is a 4 step facial that is all based on home remedies and inexpensive products. sometimes less is more...

step 1- i always clean my face with noxema to take off all of the dirt and other products that may still be on my skin. i don't think i have to explain how to wash your face... lol

step 2- take 3 tablespoons of granulated sugar and 2 tablespoons of water, mix them in a bowl and put in the microwave for 10 seconds. rub the mixture all over your face and neck and scrub really hard, allow it to dry for about 3 to 5 minutes and then wash off. your face will feel really smooth. sugar is a natural exfoliant and it really does work.

step 3- this may sound bizarre but it works really well. take egg whites from 1 egg, make sure the yolk is removed. after you have a bowl with just the egg whites, rub all over your face and neck, let dry for 7-1o minutes. you will feel it get tight and firm, which is what you want. wash off with warm water.

step 4- the last step but the most important. after completing the first 3 steps do this. rub a little bit of vaseline around your eyes and your mouth. it helps prevent wrinkles (google it) . take a moisturizer of your choice. (i generally use olay regenerist cream or olay complete), put 1 tiny tiny tiny splash of baby oil in your moisturizer (too much clogs pores and causes blackheads) and rub that all over your face and neck, even rub over the vaseline and go to bed.

i do step 4 every night but i do the entire facial process once a week or the night before a big event or shoot. i promise you will love it and feel better afterwards and the results will show.

Introduction

you're probably only reading this because you know me or someone i know asked you to read it, at any rate, allow me to introduce myself to you better.

my name is doug but i am better known as d. kells. i was born in a small town known as brownsville, pa and spent the first 10 years of my life living in the projects, which is something that i am not ashamed to admit. i actually embrace it and i love to look back to see how far i've come and how far i intend to go. i was exposed to a lot as a child. i saw drugs, prostitution, shootings and so much more. i remember at an early age realizing that i wanted a lot for myself and i knew that it would take a lot to accomplish the things that i set out to accomplish. i was raised by just my mother, who is one of the most phenomenal women that i know. she has always been so loving towards everyone and did not tolerate any form of prejudice. she told me stories about how she protested segregation and participated in sit ins and so much more. she always told me that we are all equal and if i ever thought i was better than anyone else she was not afraid to go upside my head. luckily, i was born with the same compassion that she has to this day. how could i not be open minded? i grew up with a black auntie, an asian baby sitter, gay neighbors and i loved all of them deeply. my mom also made me go to church every wednesday and sunday. she still tells a story to this day that when i was 6 and in church alone she forgot to give me money for the collection plate so i took the 2 pennies out of my penny loafers and gave them. i was afraid to tell her because i thought she would be mad but she actually told me she was proud of me for being quick on my feet and for giving all i had at the time. she did a great job at teaching me right from wrong and always encouraged me to be the best me that i could possibly be. when i was 6, she made me volunteer at a nursing home to teach me responsibility and to show me that it is important to help others. by no means did i grow up rich or priveleged but she also took me to various homeless shelters to volunteer and show me that i didn't have it that bad. i remember when i was about 7 or 8 and i asked my mom what i should be when i grew up. her response was this "if you want to be a janitor , make sure you are the best janitor that you can be". she wasn't encouraging me to choose that profession but she was encouraging me to apply myself to any and every endeavor that i chose to partake in through out my life.

when i was 12 my mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (ms) and gradually went from walking to limping, to using a cane to a wheelchair. it was hard on me but i never lost hope and still to this day am hopeful that she will walk again. i was responsible for keeping a house clean, cooking and doing things that people my age don't normally do but i believe that also helped make me who i am. i was definitely an outcast in school. i had maybe 3 friends and was the subject of a lot of ridicule. i got teased for not always having name brand clothes and for having a "sick" mother and anything else you can imagine. i always used writing as an outlet. i knew that i could not allow anyone to break me, i just let them make me a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person.

when i was 15 i got approached to do modeling and i was a bit apprehensive but i saved money from my paper route and mowing lawns (i was always hustling..lol) and got professional pictures done. i submitted them to the agency that approached me. i didn't hear anything for almost 2 months and then one day out of the blue i got a job offer to be in a back to school fashion show at a mall in the area. it wasn't the best job but it was a starting point. i got paid 300 dollars in addition to getting 2 free outfits. after that first job, the offers poured in and pretty soon i was spending weekends in new york and at photo shoots. suddenly, i wasn't the kid in no name brand but i was rocking the hottest stuff, yet i was still an outcast. at my high school you were considered fashionable if you were abercrombie jeans and hoodies everyday but i was more advanced in my fashion sense which made me the victim of ridicule even more.

in 11th grade i started getting more work in philly, new york and all over the east coast so i decided to get a tutor and stop going to school. i was an honor student so i never had a problem keeping up with the work, it was just tough doing a weeks worth of school work in a day but i managed to do it. since i was still technically a part of the school system, i was given the option to attend prom and to walk during graduation. i turned down both opportunities to keep working and making money. i did manage to graduate with a 3.5 GPA though.

i enrolled in california university of pennsylvania for the fall semester following graduation. i tried to keep modeling and attend college at the same time but it wasn't working so i chose to stay in school. college was a different expierence for me. i had a lot of friends, i excelled in my classes and i found a sense of acceptance that i never felt before. i soared through the first 2 years and then modeling came around again. i decided to take a break and work on my modeling career. i had some strange jobs from standing in a department store in a pair of boxer briefs that had an ipod pocket. i got paid to be half naked and listen to music, could it get any better? i continued working and stayed in la, nyc and everywhere. it was great until i had a conversation with a random person at a restaurant in la. i mentioned that my major was journalism and the response i got was something along the lines of i'll never be taken seriously as a writer while being a model. i don't know why i allowed that comment to bother me but it did and i soon stopped modeling again and went back to school. i recently graduated with a 3.8 gpa and i made my mama proud of course but after that i felt empty.

i searched for writing jobs and found none, i completed a book of poetry and there have been many delays with publishing, considering i am self publishing (which is harder than you would think). after hopeless job searches, numerous prayers and several other let downs, i decided to enter modeling again. i thought about it, i prayed on it and recieved positive reinforcement (thanks terricka) so i tried it again. i am currently still in the process of publishing my book "my words: poetry and life lessons", starting a blog talk radio show "model behavior" with one of my best friends,La Viola, a beautiful plus sized model and i am planning my move back to la in the fall. i've also been taking acting lessons and i work with various charities. i think growing up some what less fortunate gives you a stronger desire to want to give back. i don't know where my future will take me but i know that as long as i continue to have faith, work hard and continue to dream that the sky is the limit. also, having positive, uplifting people in my life is also a motivational tool. i thank all of you for getting to know me a little better. this blog will feature interviews with other models, beauty and fashion tips, recipes (i love to cook) and will just be like a pot of gumbo because it will have many things, all of it being positive. if you want negativity then i suggest you go to perezhilton or mediatakeout. thanks again and i will be posting as often as i can.

ps. if you're not doing so then please follow me on twitter @dkellsbaby