it's been a while

so, i've been going through a lot and i guess i needed to do what i do best (write) to get it out of my system. as a lot of you know, i just found out some unpleasant things about my ex. things that have had me crying, throwing up, having panic attacks, losing my mind and so on. i think cheating is such a hard concept for me to grasp because i don't believe in it at all. it seems no matter how much i give of myself, i always get left with less than nothing. for those who know me, like really know me, know that i give my all to everyone important to me. be it a gift, a hug, kind words, whatever the situation calls for, i'm there for those that i love and/or care about. i joke and i'm very sarcastic, it may even seem like i take nothing seriously sometimes but the truth of the matter is that underneath all of it, i do care. when i start dating someone, i don't do it for fun or to kill time, i do it to build a future. i understand that no relationship is perfect but i'm willing to go that extra mile to make it work. i don't understand how every time i enter into a new relationship i am able to give my all after everything that i've been through. i've been cheated on by every one that i've ever been in a relationship with and even by everyone that i've been exclusively dating. at any rate, my last relationship was actually a decent relationship. he was sweet, considerate, caring and basically possessed every good trait one would want their significant other to possess. my guard was up at first but i let it down too soon. we basically went from having no problems to him breaking up with me with no explanation. i, like anyone else, questioned myself and kept thinking i had to have some major flaw that pushes guys away. i seriously went over the situation over and over and over again in my mind until he finally told me why....he cheated. he claims he was overwhelmed with guilt and took the cowards way out. i do give him some credit for being somewhat honest but he didn't elaborate. when one has questions that are unanswered, they can either let it consume them or search for the answers, which is what i did. i will admit that i used facebook for reasons that it was not intended for but i had no choice. i found out more than i wanted or needed to know. finding these answers is what made me go crazy for a minute. the things that he lied about had me astounded. the person that he had calling his phone at 5:46 am AKA ho hours, had me speechless. the fact that he could spend a night with him and then come to my house the next night is beyond disrespectful. what's even more disrespectful is that he returned the dudes call at 10:45 am, while i was downstairs making him a holiday dinner. i gave up a holiday with family and lied to them because i cared about him so much that i couldn't stand the thought of him spending thanksgiving alone ordering pizza. anyone who knows me knows i throw down in the kitchen and i didn't disappoint on that holiday. i spent my effort, energy, money, etc just to make sure he had a decent holiday and none of that was taken into consideration when he was going hours out of his way to see some guy who looks like a science experiment gone wrong. it may be the past but it's news to me and it hurts like hell. this is the behavior of the guy who woke up in the morning, the first night he spent the night and looked at me and said "i can see myself loving you". this is the behavior of the guy who made me listen to "somebody up there" by amerie and said "baby, this song describes how i feel about you". this is the behavior of the guy who used to flood my inbox on myspace with love song lyrics damn near everyday. it makes no sense to me at all. i'm still dumbfounded by all of this. i still go over it in my head all of the time and it never makes sense. as much as it hurts, i have to remind myself that i at least treated him with respect. i made sure to do a thousand little things just to let him know that he was important to me. i encouraged him and believed in him when he didn't believe in himself. i am far from perfect but i know for sure i would have never intentionally hurt him or hurt him to the degree he did me. i opened my heart to him, i gave him all i could unconditionally and i never even thought about nor did i look at other guys. in my mind, i had what i wanted. cute guys are a dime a dozen but i had something better than just a cute face, i had someone that i thought i could build a future with. i had this amazing guy with depth...so i thought. i keep wondering how much of it was real? i mean, the signs should have been there. he is super secretive to the point that he can't be found on social networking sites because of the privacy settings, he only introduced me to female friends, he downplayed me at the club in front of his male "friends" and let go of my hand when we walked past his alleged "friends". he fed me a lame excuse and i chose to believe it. as upset as i get over it, i have to remind myself that i was not in the wrong. i'm not ugly, sure there are cuter guys than me out there but i'm at least attractive as well. i have made a lot of money off of my looks. i am not stupid and finished college despite all of the tribulations that i've been through. i am a nurturing, caring person. i can cook. i can hold a conversation. i am understanding. i treat everyone with respect. i constantly go out of my way to make people smile. i work with various charities because i love helping people. i am on the brink of starting my greeting card line, getting my modeling career to new heights and still pushing through all of the bullshit to publish my writing. i am not conceited but i at least know that i am more of a catch than most people realize. ever since he got caught up in everything he refuses to talk to me. he blocked my number, emails, ims, etc. i guess he's too embarrassed or he just doesn't care. all i can do at this point is keep on keeping on. i have to believe in all of my heart that the temporary happiness he is pursuing doesn't measure up in the least to the unconditional love that i could've given him. it's out of my hands and whatever happens from here on out is karma. i have no say in the matter anymore. i'm sure i will still have random moments of crying and feeling hurt still but the time will heal that. i have the truth on my side and that is all i need. all i can do is forgive, wish him the best and live my life. maybe one day we'll speak again, maybe not. like i said, it's out of my hands. i'm content with going on with my life and leaving it all in Gods hands.

on a side note i want to thank everyone for their encouraging words and support. i needed it.

tawni- you were the first person i talked to about it and i appreciate you listening and giving me good advice. it may seem minor but it meant a lot to me. i truly am grateful. you really helped me put things into perspective and i was able to laugh and joke my way through some tears. i can't thank you enough for being the amazing person that you are.

i also have to thank my twin (she knows who she is) for the early am chat session. you gave me solid advice and helped me clear my mind. i am forever thankful. you are a blessing. i heart you.

there are a lot of others and i thank you all as well... you all mean a lot to me and i appreciate each and everyone of you. thanks for taking time to read this. i will be posting some new poetry soon along with some other things about my future endeavors. much love to you all. xoxo